My heart opened in 2019. The façade of perfectionism crumbled
around me. My ex husband, myself and our two children held hands and walked through the mess with
as much grace as a broken people can muster. We can do hard things.
In 2019, I experienced: love, insecurity, faith, sadness, guilt,
empowerment, anger and moments of true happiness. My tears cleansed me, and the
feelings of failure and absolute relief washed over me. Everything changed and like the Velveteen Rabbit
I became real.
Loss came in the form of divorce and death. This world lost
Kenneth Lewis, my beloved uncle. His random phone calls are missed. I long to
hear, “hey babe” in his voice just one more time. My mom’s health wavered for a
moment and I accepted the reality of her growing older. My parents are planning
their next chapter of life possibly off the family farm. It caused me to again
question my identity; who I am without a farm to call home. Eighteen years ago,
I was present for my niece’s birth and in May she is graduating high school.
She and her mom are struggling with all the change that is approaching. One phase
of life ending and another beginning. So much happened in 2019; it was uncomfortable
and humbling.
Professionally, I helped make history during the legislative
session. HB 1325 (hemp legalization) was my baby and she will grow up and be
beautiful someday. The Gov signed the bill into law on my birthday, June 10th,
and it was the first time I ever considered a tattoo. Spoiler alert: I did not
get a tattoo.
Spiritually, I cannot go through a church service without
crying. A wise friend told me that is God getting through the cracks of the
armor I have built around my heart. I hope that is true.
I have forgiven more people in 2019 than ever before and
that includes myself. I hope 2020 will allow me to forgive and accept more of
life for what it is and not what I want it to be.
I still believe in the power of lipstick and dating has reminded
me this is truly a small world. Kindness still matters, smiles are powerful and
there is nothing better than a good nap. A firm handshake still means something.
Boundaries are important and I do not excuse people who cross them. Friends
have been lost but not missed.
Family is everything; whatever form you choose your family
to be. It is sacred.
Love is not always easy, but it can be. People you love will
always fall short. It is irritating beyond measure then I remember I am not
perfect either.
You cannot make old friends but there is always room for new
ones. The best gift I gave myself in recent years was a book club filled with smart
women. We share laughs, tears, fears and a love of reading. I read more than most
and feel no shame about it. I dream to be published myself. One must always
have a goal that scares you a little and that is mine.
Cheers to 2020! I am not leaving anything behind in 2019. Yesterday I woke up with my faults and strengths firmly intact but my story continues in 2020 and for
that I give thanks.
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