My Sobering Moment

My friend earned his one year AA sobriety chip and asked me to attend his meeting.  I agreed to go.  I did not know what to wear or what kind of people I would encounter.  I was feeling a little nervous, a little scared and secretly a little superior to those I was sure would show up in attendance.  The meeting was held on campus, close to downtown so I was sure there would be a mix of students and professionals.  All of them would be addicts.  I was sure I would not fit in with them.

The meeting started promptly and that I sat overdressed with my arms crossed, open ears and an open heart.  These people deserved my respect for what they have overcome and my pity for where they have been in their journeys to sobriety; didn't they?  I looked around and surmised the average age of the crowded room was about 22.  I was not just overdressed but now I felt old.  The fresh, innocent faces showed few, if any signs, of their addictions.  One by one, they put a voice to their struggles and it become clear that although I was older than most of them they had all lived enough for four lifetimes.  The journeys and Hell they have seen and lived also made them wiser than I expected.  It was sobering moment when I realized I could learn a lot from an addict.

The meeting took place in a basement but the atmosphere loosely resembled a church.  Actually, it resembled what a church should be.  The honestly in the room was disarming.  "Hi.  I am John and I am an addict/alcoholic"  I smirked when I first heard it because it really was just like in the movies.  After hearing one testimony after another the purity of their words and the strength of their faith was overwhelming.  The was a room full of addicts and alcoholics; this was also a room full of Christians.  My presence in my church every Sunday (most Sundays….) is a declaration that I am weak.  I should stand and say, "Hi, my name is Wendy and I am a sinner," but I don't speak.  I go to church each week for one hour, pray a few times during the week and then question why I sometimes feel lost.  The people in that basement on that day live "church" every minute of every day as a way to stay clean and more importantly to stay alive.

A familiar theme in the meeting was living not in the past or future but the present; this very moment.  When you live in the moment you are fully present and can correct or address actions that cause anxiety. When you live in the moment you live without regret.  That is when it hit me; I am not an addict or alcoholic but I am "one of them" only I at times aspire to reach their level of faith on a daily basis.  We should all be so aware to live with that kind of faith.  I hate to think I would need an addiction to get me there.

To be blunt, I am inspired.  There were no saints in the that room.  We were all sinners just trying to find our way.
Be blessed

For all the thank you's… a piece of my past

E is out playing with a friend, Hunt is watching the game, B is asleep; the house quiet.  I should be tackling my never ending to do list but I am not.  Today I needed a reminder of who I am in this world; who I was and who I have become.  It is rarely a lighthearted journey but as I am buried under blankets today, the heaviness of the search seemed appropriate.

I have written for as long as I can remember.  There are so many of my writings you will never see in print.  Too many pieces are personal to reveal and I have too little confidence to release them to be reviewed and edited by your eyes.  My collection is now in several 3" binders so I chose one and sat down to read my own work.

Here is one I can share, written on Thanksgiving in 1998 for my parents:

For all the thank you's I never said
For all the times you made my bed
For all the words I said in anger
For the times my clothes were not the floor; not the hangar
For the messes I left for you to clean up
For the times I spilled red Kool Aid from my "big girl" cup
For all the times I stumbled in my "walk"
For the times you listened when I wanted to talk
For the times I got a ticket because of my speed
For the times you offered refuge in my time of need
For the times I made you worry and cry
For all my gifts we really could not afford to buy
For the times you punished me when I had done wrong
For not touching the radio dial during my favorite song
For all the bruises, burns and cuts that your kisses healed
For all the letters sent to my dorm that your love sealed
For the time you bit your tongue while you were screaming inside
For each comfort gave as another romance died
For all the times you have welcomed me home
For all the words of wisdom offered over the phone
For all the silent prayers that followed me out the door
For the times I wanted to quit but you encouraged me to do more
For the times you stood up for me to defend my rights
For the times I kept you up all those nights
For the times you donated money to make my ends meet
For the times you know it bruised my ego so you made it discreet
For the times you gave me space for problems only I could work out
For all the times I nodded while having no idea what you were talking about
For the family you gave me and the memories we made
I owe my life to you and all the love I have saved
We have stood together through the years, some good and some bad
I am eternally grateful that I have you, Mom and Dad
--Wendy 11/98

Here we are, so many years later, and the meaning holds true.  Today, I would add a few lines about helping with the grand kids, celebrating good health, etc, etc.  but I am still eternally grateful for my family and today also, more than ever for my home and its heater.
Be Blessed!

Bubbles Bubbles, Toils and Troubles

Blowing Bubbles was always a fun activity as a kid.  I could only do it for a short period of time before getting bored but I liked it just the same.  This weekend I watched my son blow bubbles on my parent's porch.  He did not last long either before pouring out the "bubble juice" on the porch.... and the dog.  As a kid, I loved the bubbles but hated watching them pop.  I wished they could float into the air and live on for miles.  The delicate nature of the wet, fragile creations and their very temporary state of being upset me.  My son is three and he just likes to makes messes; that is his excuse for his short sessions.

My thoughts on bubbles aligns with my current thoughts on life.  I dislike things I cannot trust, things that are not solid.  I have many acquaintances but only a few real friends.  I can be the life of the party but am most comfortable when the party consists of 4 people.  I also love to get lost in a a huge crowd and not have to be anything to anyone--that is the float on for miles and not be touched part of the bubble blowing philosophy.

Days like today make me wish I could enjoy my temporary state of life and enjoy the bubbles for the few seconds they float.  I wish that when one popped I could clap and smile and recognize the fun of creating bubbles instead of sigh at their demise.  Maybe tomorrow.

Today I see the moments in life as bubbles that are temporary and pass far too quickly.  From my childhood, to my kids' baby days, to many of my relationships; all here one minute and gone the next.  I could grab the dish soap and make some more bubble juice.  I could add some glycerin to make the bubbles stronger and set out to create a bubble storm but I see that as the role faith plays in my life. Life is temporary as are our precious moments in it.

As Christians we recognize though one bubble pops another will be created and we can have all the bubble juice we want to continue blowing life into the soapy water.  Life is not perfect but moments, like bubbles are fleeting; they are not meant to last and shame on me for not enjoying while they are present.  "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened" is a great piece of advice.  When one bubble pops there will be others floating by filled with another promise and another memory.  Of course, if Boone is around all bets are off, your dog may get sick and you will just have to enjoy the sunshine.  Either way faith will carry us through the day.
Peace

 

Caution- this one is a yawner...

As a mother, I want my family healthy, happy, respected, yada, yada, yada.
As a woman, I want to be adored, fulfilled, happy, yada, yada, yada
As a person, I just want to sleep til 9AM.

I remember as a kid, jumping out of bed to watch the Smurfs on Saturday mornings.  The real Smurfs not the crap being put on the screen for my kids to watch  Thank goodness for Netflix.

My teenage years had me getting out of bed at the crack of dawn to make the bus for various sporting events.  Early morning departure times were a "perk" of living in a small, rural town-- I witnessed beautiful sunrises, the handiwork of God, many mornings while inhaling exhaust fumes of a yellow dog school bus and eating the blueberry muffins carefully packed by my mom for breakfast.

College rocked for oh so many reasons and sleep was one of them.  I played hard, studied hard and slept as needed, when needed.  It is roommate code to respect the sleep cycle unless a breakup, taquito or Rosa's taco run was needed to discuss or go get to appease an upset stomach that may or may not be connected to said heartbreak.  Of course, any interruption of morning sleep translated easily to an afternoon nap.

Today, I am a walking, sleep deprived person.  Normally I would say Zombie but The Walking Dead tv show has me freaked out about using that word anymore.  I do not eat people.  My son is up at 630AM every morning.  Every morning.  Our damn dog is up at 530 or 6 AM.  Don't get me started on the damn dog.

I could go through our family's morning chaos then come home and slip back in bed for a morning nap but my conscious will not allow it.  There is value I need to add in the lives of my clients, errands to be run for my family and just all around crap to do. Honestly, all I want to do is sleep.

And please do not give me that crap that I can sleep when I'm dead.  When I'm dead I am not living out several roles in one day balancing patience, professionalism and the daily stress of life on a tip on a pin.

My husband does not understand my need for sleep.  At first, I tried to explain that sleep is really just proof that I trust God.  If someone is worried, distraught or having a crisis of conscious sleep may escape them.  I do not have that problem.  He did not buy that.  My second way of approaching was more blunt, "I need sleep, take the kids and leave."  That actually worked.  Once.

Today, if I seem off during our conversation or you notice concealer starting to cake under my eyes just smile and let it go.  It is proof that mommy needs a vacation.

Life moving forward

I have struggled with what to write knowing I need to update this blog.  Tonight I made the decision to sit down for 10 minutes and just see what comes out.  I am not going to over think this or give into any self doubt.  One of my many faces in this world is a writer and I need to write.

The world is moving fast and most days I feel like a car has been put in gear and is rolling slowly as I hang on to the door handle.  This is my life so I know it will not leave me in the dust but I feel myself being pulled forward at a quicker pace than I am accustomed to living.  Summer is in full swing.  I will admit a part of me was dreading having to juggle E's camps and babysitters so I could work to build my business, repair relationships harmed by the session and work to keep new connections strong.  I am happy to say it has been pleasant thus far.  My recovery of the session is ongoing, I have not gotten a full break yet but Ella and I are getting to spend some time alone.  We are finding quality time away from the stress of after school chaos, homework and dinner.  I am learning what a bright, funny kid she is with a passion for telling jokes and making people laugh.  She is intuitive which is a little intimidating.

Today, I was in deep in thought and she put her arm around me and asked, "Mommy why are you sad?"  She was right, I was sad but I could not name the emotion until she said it.  If asked, I would have said I was stressed or tired but she was right, it was sadness.  She gave me a hug and said, "you know its going to be okay."  How did I get so lucky?  And she is right, everything will be okay.  We finished our day visiting the library, building a lego house and painting pictures, happy pictures.

My baby girl is in bed now, she is safe and mommy is happy.  Tomorrow we will see if I can get the damn car in neutral for a bit.

A Working Mother's Confession

How do working mothers do it?  Easy answer: we don't.  Most of us anyway.

We fail miserably at trying to do it all.  We cover up the shame of failing to be perfect on all fronts with  smiles and play dates in the park on weekends while we check our phones between pushes on the swings.  Our children are used to "breakfast dinners" because we did not get to the store this week.  Maybe that is just me but I doubt it.

Newsflash:  There is no such thing as work/life/balance.  It is a crock of crap with a side of whatever thrown in for fun.

Everyday I feel like I climb on a square piece of plywood balancing atop one of my kids' kickballs that was left in the hallway.  It is the same ball  I nearly broke my neck on when I got up at 6AM to answer the cry for "MOMMMMMY" in my sleep derived state of being. Once I climb atop the ball it is all about trying to achieve balance but there is not an equal distribution so its not a steady ride.

Get the kids dressed for school, breakfast eaten, make myself presentable, feed the dog, kiss the husband and deliver the kids to the people who will raise them for me for the next 8 hours.  The board has been tilted to the "Family" side until the moment I get back into my car without a child kicking the back of my car seat.  In that moment, the board tilts some to another side called "Work".  The Board will continue to tilt back and forth in the work connection long after I have left the work day.  That is just the way it is when you are building a business.  Same is true for "Family" when I take time in the day to schedule play dates and summer camps, talk to my parents or sister, or have a parent teacher conference.  At some point, my board will tip to "me" side when I do some online banking, call a friend or take two minutes to look online for some cute summer sandals.  In the silent moments, the tiny but meaningful moments that I make for myself to breathe and pray my balance turns to "Faith".

The different phases of our work days are not segmented, they flow together and allow for no rest on the shore while we try to swim in the sea of chaos. The end of the day brings exhaustion.  As I prepare for bed, I give myself permission to step off that make shift balance ball if I haven't already fallen off the dang thing and stand firm on my own feet.  I ask for the strength to leave the ball home tomorrow and have the courage to put one foot in front of the other and take the day as it comes not as I expect/want/need it to be.  Perhaps tomorrow is day I will actually do it.

My attempts at perfection has brought me the gifts of endurance, humility and a stronger faith in God.  I am cannot be everything to everyone.  I know this is true but I will keep trying to be the best person I was created to be, whatever that is.

Today, obviously I was not meant to be the perfect mommy because my explanation of why ice cream is not suitable for breakfast fell flat and resulting in a Level 8 tantrum.  Life :1, Wendy: 0 thus far but I have a few more hours in this day to beat that score....

Celebrating and Remembering Friendship

These pictures may not look like they have anything in common except that they both include people I love and are of utmost importance in my life.  But they do.

My mom (pictured on the right in black) lost her childhood best friend Nancy McDaniel (also pictured) in December.  I saw her heart break and I also saw her gain immeasurable strength from the friendship they shared since nearly birth that allowed her to eulogize her friend at her funeral.  It was a powerful moment and not lost on anyone in the room that day.  Today I know my mom misses her best friend but  she also knows she is a better person because she had Nancy in her life and would rather go this grief of losing her than not have befriended and loved her at all.

Last night I was scheduled to help host a dinner but things fell through at the last moment.  I drove home and my family had gone to eat without me as they are so used to doing during these last days of the legislative session.  I called one of my best friends, Emilee (pictured left with me), who was in town for work.  She and I tried to connect all day and could not make things work.

Just as God planned it, she was walking back to her hotel and was open for dinner.  We ate, drank, talked and talked and talked some more.  Fears, hopes, dreams spilled from our mouths and instead of sitting on a patio in the Capitol city we could have just as easily been on a tailgate in either of the small towns we call home.

The stress peeled off of us and we were just two best friends talking without judgement, reservation or caring what the other thought because it did not matter.  The insecurities that would cause us to care were removed years ago during late night parties, talks, bachelorette parties, weddings, babies and too many other occasions to list.  Apologies are not needed and support is unquestioned.

Long story short:  my heart breaks for my mom today even more today than it did in December.  My heart is bursting with blessings that include Emilee, Lori, Amy, Shelley, and DeeDee.  I cannot imagine life without them and God willing I will not have to any day soon.

Em and I joked that we hope to be friends until we are so old that we do not even remember each other then we could be new best friends and start the discovery process all over again.  She added we will also be the women who will press our Medic Alert buttons just to get to see the hot EMS guys that may show up.  Cheers to that!

Nancy was a second mother to be growing up.  She taught me so much during her life and she is continuing to teach me things in her death.  Friendship and family are awesome but when your friends become part of your family and your family members become your friends..... now THAT is something special.

Blessings!