2019: An eye opening year

My heart opened in 2019. The façade of perfectionism crumbled around me. My ex husband, myself and our two children held hands and walked through the mess with as much grace as a broken people can muster. We can do hard things.  

In 2019, I experienced: love, insecurity, faith, sadness, guilt, empowerment, anger and moments of true happiness. My tears cleansed me, and the feelings of failure and absolute relief washed over me.  Everything changed and like the Velveteen Rabbit I became real.

Loss came in the form of divorce and death. This world lost Kenneth Lewis, my beloved uncle. His random phone calls are missed. I long to hear, “hey babe” in his voice just one more time. My mom’s health wavered for a moment and I accepted the reality of her growing older. My parents are planning their next chapter of life possibly off the family farm. It caused me to again question my identity; who I am without a farm to call home. Eighteen years ago, I was present for my niece’s birth and in May she is graduating high school. She and her mom are struggling with all the change that is approaching. One phase of life ending and another beginning. So much happened in 2019; it was uncomfortable and humbling.

Professionally, I helped make history during the legislative session. HB 1325 (hemp legalization) was my baby and she will grow up and be beautiful someday. The Gov signed the bill into law on my birthday, June 10^th, and it was the first time I ever considered a tattoo. Spoiler alert: I did not get a tattoo.

Spiritually, I cannot go through a church service without crying. A wise friend told me that is God getting through the cracks of the armor I have built around my heart. I hope that is true.

I have forgiven more people in 2019 than ever before and that includes myself. I hope 2020 will allow me to forgive and accept more of life for what it is and not what I want it to be.

I still believe in the power of lipstick and dating has reminded me this is truly a small world. Kindness still matters, smiles are powerful and there is nothing better than a good nap. A firm handshake still means something. Boundaries are important and I do not excuse people who cross them. Friends have been lost but not missed.  

Family is everything; whatever form you choose your family to be. It is sacred.

Love is not always easy, but it can be. People you love will always fall short. It is irritating beyond measure then I remember I am not perfect either.

You cannot make old friends but there is always room for new ones. The best gift I gave myself in recent years was a book club filled with smart women. We share laughs, tears, fears and a love of reading. I read more than most and feel no shame about it. I dream to be published myself. One must always have a goal that scares you a little and that is mine.

Cheers to 2020! I am not leaving anything behind in 2019. Yesterday I woke up with my faults and strengths firmly intact but my story continues in 2020 and for that I give thanks.

Thanksgiving 2019

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The month of June came around and the Texas Legislature adjourned Sine Die. The parties were thrown, and the hangovers were earned. I made my exit about 11PM and got home soon after. I slipped in the shower to wash the remnants of session off, took off the make-up I had used as a mask for so many months and found my cold bed to crawl into and sleep.

Then I woke up. In the first moments of waking it occurred to me: I had a new life. A life I did not know, I did not recognize and one I did not understand yet.  The final days of session include some hallway lobby banter about getting our lives back, getting back to normal life. I stayed silent during that banter and during those waking moments I realized Sine Die brought me a life I did not recognize. I did not get back to normal but needed to create a new one. My world was safe when I was in work mode. I know how to mother and delegate and get things done but when the “get things done” part takes a break in the schedule my world fell apart and I had no idea what to do.

In the time of six months Hunt and I had divorced, sold a house, bought two houses, divided and moved our belongings into our new houses that did not have the others familiar fingerprints on them. We did it under the guise of the session and all the stressors that brings, two beautiful and willful kids, therapy for all of us, school and end of school year BS. And there I was, waking up.

I walked into a new day wearing my heels and my lipstick with my head high and my brain clouded with so many what ifs, and how will I’s, it was hard to conjure a coherent thought.

I dug deep, I returned to my faith and struggled to remember who I was and who I wanted to be… they weren’t exactly the same person. The distance between the two can be painful to reconcile. Distance of all kinds can damage hearts and minds and it can alter behaviors…. it did mine.  

For the first time in nearly 17 years I was alone. Divorce is a gut punch. Slowly I started to gain back some confidence. For example, picking a living room couch seemed daunting until a friend stepped in and saved me from the chaos. Slowly, my house became a home.

Today things are clearer than they were. My faith is stronger, and my life is a bit more focused, and I finally feel some peace. Hunt and I remain close, the kids are adjusting, and we remain dedicated to being a family; a broken one but aren’t they all?

Tonight, the kids are with their dad after spending the first part of the week with me. I am in a moment of reflection and one of Thanksgiving. God bless this mess of goodness and headaches I call life and all those that share in that mess and help cause it.  

  

Palms Up

The month of February was one of self-reflection and healing for me. My reading list was focused around faith-based books. I found Loves Does by Bob Goff and highly recommend it. It was in this gem I learned the practice of “Palms Up”.

You simply cannot be upset when you sit with your hands palms up on your lap. Balled up fists and crossed arms builds up angst, anxiety but staying palms keeps you open to giving and receiving openly. I used this practice during the mediation process Hunt and I entered into as part of our divorce.  It worked. Divorce can be ugly, it can be messy; it is our intent to not live that reality. We are entering this new chapter of our lives “palms up”. I invite you to do the same.