Long Day

It has been a long day. I cannot remember one that has not been long since my second child was born. Full time work, endless supplies need to be bought: diapers, formula, groceries, wipes, school supplies for my 4 year old, etc, dinners need cooking, our new house is looking too lived in after one month because with more space means the more cleaning there is to do. It is just one more thing to add to the list.


Saturday and Sundays were once days of leisure but alas, no more. Sleeping til 9AM has been replaced with prayers that the baby will sleep til 7AM uninterrupted. Watching an afternoon movie in bed has been replaced with any number of things. All I seem to do is work, work, work, go, go, go as mother, wife, manager and a thankful child of God. My life is blessed and full. Some days it feels so full I feel like I am going to burst…..literally. Fuses get shorter, frustrations grow larger and tones get sharper.
I have a beautiful, thoughtful four year old daughter who more often than not seems to be older than her natural age. It is for this reason I seemed to have made the exception the norm and expect her to act at least 6. When she falls short of this, as she does daily, I snap. I count, I raise my voice, I threaten punishment and I scare her to death. I do not mean to be cruel. I am trying to live each moment as a means to get to the next. It is not romantic or healthy but it is a way of life and I know I am not alone with that attitude although I may be one of the few who will admit it.

Tonight after the third snap of the day my daughter’s tears began to fall once again. “You have been mean to me all day (sob)” . She tends to exaggerate often but I know to her, despite her Happy Meal for lunch and hugs and kisses in between the snaps, I had been mean. To her four year old heart and mind my exception had become my norm too.

“Guilty,” I thought to myself.

“Why don’t you let me love you?” was next out of her mouth as she climbed the stairs with slumped shoulders behind me. I waited for her at the landing and scooped her up for a full-on hug. I pulled my head away and say her wet eyes and cheeks and told her we needed to pray. Together, right there on the landing with the last college football game of the night on full volume in the background as my husband watched on the couch, we prayed.

“Lord, please help me to live my days not as a means to an end but rather live it in moments that are to be remembered and filled with Your Spirit and Love. Please give me the strength to not take my blessings for granted and give me the humility to not make my days all about me, my goals, my plan, my schedule. And,” I opened one eye to see my daughter smiling at me so I closed quickly with “And dear God please do not ever let my babies question the love of their mother.” I ended with a dramatic "Amen" and a kiss and carried her off to bed giggling where we read books she drifted off the sleep.
Tomorrow is a new day, a new gift and I promise to be better. Not try to be better but to get it right because my babies deserve nothing less. I am not and will not ever be perfect and nether will they. One moment at a time with each breath offered as a prayer I can do it.