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The month of June came around and the Texas Legislature adjourned Sine
Die. The parties were thrown, and the hangovers were earned. I made my exit
about 11PM and got home soon after. I slipped in the shower to wash the remnants
of session off, took off the make-up I had used as a mask for so many months
and found my cold bed to crawl into and sleep.
Then I woke up. In the first moments of waking it occurred to
me: I had a new life. A life I did not know, I did not recognize and one I did
not understand yet. The final days of
session include some hallway lobby banter about getting our lives back, getting
back to normal life. I stayed silent during that banter and during those waking
moments I realized Sine Die brought me a life I did not recognize. I did not
get back to normal but needed to create a new one. My world was safe when I was
in work mode. I know how to mother and delegate and get things done but when
the “get things done” part takes a break in the schedule my world fell apart
and I had no idea what to do.
In the time of six months Hunt and I had divorced, sold a
house, bought two houses, divided and moved our belongings into our new houses
that did not have the others familiar fingerprints on them. We did it under the
guise of the session and all the stressors that brings, two beautiful and
willful kids, therapy for all of us, school and end of school year BS. And
there I was, waking up.
I walked into a new day wearing my heels and my lipstick
with my head high and my brain clouded with so many what ifs, and how will I’s,
it was hard to conjure a coherent thought.
I dug deep, I returned to my faith and struggled to remember
who I was and who I wanted to be… they weren’t exactly the same person. The distance between the two can be painful to reconcile. Distance of all kinds can damage hearts and minds and it can alter behaviors….
it did mine.
For the first time in nearly 17 years I was alone. Divorce
is a gut punch. Slowly I started to gain back some confidence. For example, picking
a living room couch seemed daunting until a friend stepped in and saved me from
the chaos. Slowly, my house became a home.
Today things are clearer than they were. My faith is stronger,
and my life is a bit more focused, and I finally feel some peace. Hunt and I remain
close, the kids are adjusting, and we remain dedicated to being a family; a
broken one but aren’t they all?
Tonight, the kids are with their dad after spending the
first part of the week with me. I am in a moment of reflection and one of Thanksgiving.
God bless this mess of goodness and headaches I call life and all those that
share in that mess and help cause it.
