A grand design for baby teeth....prove me wrong

My family, unfortunately, has been touched by quite a few deaths in the last year.  Some  familial departures hit uncomfortably close to home.  I will own up to the fact that for a bit I was an emotional mess.  This is not something I chose to hide from my children.  B is as oblivious as any two year old but E was a different story.  She is my highly sensitive and ridiculously bright child.  There was no soothing her sympathy tears with, “Mommy will be okay.”  I was hurting and she was hurting and to be blunt together we are still adjusting to a new normal. 

All of that is the long way to say I gave E the same speech I was given as a child about God’s “Big Book” up in the Heavenly skies.  To save your time and my weak computer battery, the basic idea is God keeps a book with every living creature’s name in it.  Beside each of our names in this Big Book of Life is a date.  When that date comes it is your time to leave this world.    Live each day as if its your last, yada, yada, yada.

Let’s now fast forward to the current drama unfolding in my home.  It is not a struggle to accept death but rather my daughter pleading for an end of life.......for her baby teeth.  E is six and a half and everyone of her baby teeth is still firmly planted in her gums.  She really wants to loose a tooth just like everyone else in first grade.  I mean she really wants it.  Daily she swears she feels a wiggle, I double check and have to crush her dream.

This has been going on for weeks and last week I got to the end of my proverbial rope. My grasping for sanity sounded a little something like this:

Me: remember when we talked about God’s Big Book of Life

E: Yes

Me: Well, God even has a plan for your teeth, Ella.  You will lose them when..*interruption*

E: Mom, save it, God does not have a book of teeth.

Me: How do you know that?

E: (roll of her eyes) Please mom.  okay? Please.

She still has not lost a tooth.  She has stopped whining about it.  I am calling this a win.

My Rugged Ol' Friend

The pressures of life are heavy.  The Spirit that must carry us through has no choice but to swell inside our bodies us to keep us afloat.  All the breaks in our hearts, minds and even ego are made whole again by the Spirit.  When we surrender, we gain the strength we need to take that additional step that seemed unthinkable.  When we surrender we lose every bit of self we convince ourselves daily we need.  Losing one’s self is scary even if the result is something greater.

There is a reason the cross is made of wood.  If it was meant to be showy, it would be made of gold to serve as a reminder of the worth of God’s love.  If it was meant to reflect the beauty of God’s creation and love it would be made of mirrors.  You get my drift.  It is not made of impressive or expensive material.  The cross is made of wood and for good reason.  

When life hands me troubling news, stressed moments and hair pulling activities I have only one choice: Nail it to the cross and walk away.  It is then no longer my worry and I have only my future moments to face. 

Wood is sturdy, strong and real.  The cross has withstood the weight of the sins of the world, surely my small worries of this world will not break it.  

I did not come up with this on my own.  One Sunday morning with a heavy heart I wandered into a church.  I yearned to hear a hymn and what I found was the soundtrack of my conscience.  The minister, Dr. Paynter, had just lost a parishioner to a senseless shooting and was trying to come to terms with it all.  It was real, honest and not for show.  His message was clear: it is not for us to understand and that is too hard understand itself.  We have a choice: be bitter or believe.  His advice was “Nail it to the cross and walk away”.  

The words rang true to me.  They still do today.  I am not perfect.  I am not a perfect mother, perfect wife or perfect employee.  Each night in my silent minutes of unraveling, I picture myself nailing my faults to the ol’ wooden cross and it gives me hope for a better tomorrow.  Who knows maybe one day I will trade it in for a crown.  

I Wake Up!

It is never quiet in my house at bedtime.  Ever.  Seriously.  

But once the kids are tucked in, I have some very precious quiet time.  I value silence and gain strength from it in some ways.  In the quiet moments I make peace with my myself, my doubts and demons.  I reflect, accept and then am able to move forward.  Eventually I fall to sleep every night hoping that I will wake up to one of my favorite things ever....  It is a little like Christmas Eve every night.   

 Each morning I awake to hear *thump* followed by swift little footsteps in the hall above me and down the stairs.  Boone is making his descent to greet the day.  Once his footsteps reach the kitchen it is a dead-on, two year old sprint to mommy and daddy’s room.   The minute he steps past the threshold he loosens his smile a bit so he can speak and boastfully announces, “I wake up Mommy, I wake up!  He then jumps on top of me and after a quick hug asks me to turn on Oswald.  The special moment ends and the day begins but what a glorious beginning it was.  It makes my day every day.

Family Tradition

A picture is worth a thousand words......

E created this her first week of school.  I was not surprised.  Her little brother had chomped down on her arm in a two year old psycho rage just days before school started.  The imprint of his bite was visible for days.  She was a little upset.  

Approximately 31 years ago, my sister experienced the same exact rage from her little firecracker of a sister......me.  Even back then I was a perfectionist and over achiever; I bit her upper arm so hard my bite imprint is still visible today.  The apple never falls far from the tree.

Totally Dorking Out!!!

I am so lucky that I continually get to add people to my "personal heroes list" all the time.  I am fortunate to come into contact with so many who have positively impacted my life.

A recent personal hero is someone I have never met, Dr. Brene Brown.  She is a stud.  I went to her latest book reading at Book People and was one of a few hundred to show up and listen.  Her books, including her latest, Daring Greatly, have impacted my life in such positive ways I would need to start a whole new blog to name them all.  Bottom line: don't be afraid to be vulnerable, we must confront shame to feel joy, NO ONE is perfect- NO ONE so get over yourself and start living life.  She also quotes White Snake in her latest book.... what is not to love?

Background:
When I started this blog I was scared to death.  There was not and still is not anything scarier in my life than putting my writing out there for all to read.  I mean, my family always loved my writings but c'mon they also never told me I needed a style makeover in high school.  (Think poodle dog perms...need I say more).  The day another personal hero and dear friend, Ms. Alma Lehman, passed away I decided it was time to put myself out there.  Maybe it was my way of staying connected to her through the airwaves that may reach to the Heavens--you never know-- whatever, I wanted to publish.

Tonight I was bold and sent BRENE BROWN, PhD (who read my blog) a link to this page.  She is a busy woman on a book tour, dealing with kids at home, probably working on her next book by now but I thought maybe she would have some downtime at an airport and maybe, just maybe, she would check Twitter.  She did!!  She read my blog and also made my day.

Here is the lesson, be bold in your life, be brave.  I want to bottle the feelings I have right now but I cannot so instead I will have to do something more daring tomorrow.  I will be Daring Greatly.

Thank you, Brene.  If you ever want to catch up when you visit Austin you know where to find me.  :)

Be Brave

My daughter is sensitive.  And by sensitive I mean that she trotted off the basketball court DURING a game and ask that I not yell out her name because, "it upsets me," she said.  For the record, I was yelling something along the lines of "Get your hands up E.  Defense!!!"  I told her I understood and sent her back on the court.  I kept my mouth shut and she blocked a shot.  Lesson learned.

Seriously, E is more sensitive than most and it has opened up a world I never knew existed.  There are millions of feelings in this world and E feels every single one.  The tone of your voice can ruin her day.  We are working on her listening to the words people say and not how they say them.  I am hoping this will keep her in sports.  She comes home twice a week thinking her gymnastics coach is mad at her.  It does not enter her mind that one may need to yell with 25 girls running around in a gymnastics class.

A month into the school year she told me she did not like the saying, "have a good day".  That was a shocker because that is what I said every morning as I gave her a kiss and sent her on her way.  E thought there was too much pressure on her if she "had" to have a good day everyday.  Her exact words were along the line of, "but mom everyday is not going to be a good day.  Some days are better than others and I don't want to let you down".  She is six.  Six years old and I swear that came out of her mouth.

So I took a few days off from sending her off with any saying.  Then one day it came to me.  Be Brave.  I told her to "be brave" and asked her to remember that I loved her.  For someone as sensitive as Ella it is hard to take chances.  Heck, it is hard for anyone to take chances.  Some of us just wear the fear of taking a chance more on our sleeve than others.  Be Brave.

Bravery will enable her to ask a new friend to play.  Bravery will get her through having to read in front of the class.  And bravery will help her finish out the day when she gets homesick.  I am taking my own advice and trying to be brave in my own life.   I wish the same for everyone I love.  Imagine if we all stopped living in fear and did one courageous thing.  Odds are if you do one courageous thing it will lead to another.....  Be Brave! 



 

Mini Mac

My sister is petite and nice and genuine everyday not just when its convenient.  In summary, she is my opposite in many ways.  My parents and our extended family raised us right but Shelley came out nice too.  I envy that in her.

As children she was always "on".  She loved Center Stage and everyone loved her being on it.  I stayed in the background and jumped rope or something else where I would not have to make eye contact.  Somewhere, at some point, that changed.  I think it may have been when I out grew my older "little" sister.  I assumed the role of being the protector because I was expected to be.  Even though I was as thin as a rail I was taller and therefore I stepped up and became "Big Mc".

Shelley always feels things to the core of her being.  Injustice is not accepted or tolerable and will bring on tears.  While I am plotting how to respond or react Shelley clinches her fist, grits her teeth and says, "That is not right!"  The she goes to a sleepless night asking herself why/how some people can be so mean.  I love her for the realness that she possesses.

I have always said that together Shelley and I combined would really make the perfect person but separate we lack a little bit.  I truly believe that.  If I gave her a little of my backbone and she gave me a little more of her sensitivity we could rule the world.  Please do not misunderstand: I feel and am very sensitive but I tend to deal with the situation at hand and feel the emotion later.  It is not at all healthy but that is my way.

Shelley feels, Shelley loves and she never gives up on things.  We have gone through ups and downs in our paths.  There are times we did not connect and other times when we got real with each other.  She has always wanted more from our relationship and I continue to try and let down that protective guard but she is my sister and I am still her protector in many ways.  At least, I think so even when it is plainly obvious that I am not.

One day I hope to be the sister she wants and deserves.  I hope to be more like her.  I do not give her enough credit; of course, neither does she.  Tonight she is on my mind.  Tonight I am reminded that she and I share the same blood and our heart can beat as one.  I love her and hope she knows just how much.