The Reason for It All

I wrote these paragraphs in the weeks prior to my water breaking at 28 weeks:
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My skin is crawling off of my bone, painful to touch and burning from the inside out. The weight of the world is resting on my mind and shoulders. How does one navigate your way through the darkness of the endless night? My answer is prayer to heal my spirit and Motrin to calm my body. My conversation with God ended with no verbal answer only a view of the rising sun. I have been told that sleep is God’s request to “trust me”. I do and so I did. ---Wendy Foster Jan. 2010
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6 Ft Small
Weeds surround me and the sun finds its way to my face. The warmth feels solid. I can smile in the sun; it is when the shadows overtake my space that I begin to shrink. My hair blows in the breeze and the stray hairs, like fingers, grip my face. I stand frozen. The stings of the weeds quickly lull my skin’s sensitivity to a numbness that is both comfortable and nauseating. If I were taller maybe I could see a path in the field before me. Perhaps the wake of steps taken by those before me, perhaps a predestined path could be seen with help of the same breeze that freely tosses my hair about if I could only see. Oh, what I would give to be 6ft tall.  Wendy Foster Jan. 2010

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I know stress played into B's prematurity and have vowed to not ever let stress get to me that deeply again.  I once read when you start to stress you should ask the question, "just who do you think you are?".  Do you think whatever you do today will really make that huge of a difference in the eyes of God?  Really, is your presentation, your writing assignment, your choice of dress, food, etc going to change anything in this world on a grand scheme.  That resonated with me and then I forgot it when things started piling up and my to do list not only did not get done but was not being touched.  I began to think my job what more important than anything else even forgetting about the gift of life I was carrying inside me. 

It is scary I got to that place but I did and today am a better woman, mother and wife for it.  The bedrest was an answer from God and a lesson for me.  He can knock me flat at any time while protecting and saving me at the same time.  "Be still and know I am God".  I used that as a mantra while on bedrest and am having the words hung in my office to relfect on when faced with stress.  I have witnessed and felt the power of God.  To those who question Him, His presence or His power just have them come talk to me.