Hello Again!

It has been a while since I posted and I apologize for that.  Life happens.  There comes a time when every woman must learn her limits in this balancing game of life.  Working full time, 2 kids and we added a dog (after I told my husband I wanted a third child) has been a challenge for me.  Although writing is a release for me I pushed it away for a time.  Now that Boone has turned two I feel like my head is above water.  That is a bold statement for me.  Much of the past couple of years I have felt like I was drowning and could not make it to shore.  I could not win my battle with stress so I changed my approach and am happier for it.  I did not find peace with a little white pill, and I did not change jobs and I did not get rid of the husband either but I did find some peace.
 
Bear with me for a moment and I will explain.  One night my husband and I were flipping channels after the kids were asleep and started watching "The Black Swan".  I had not seen it in the theaters and honestly, I am glad I did not spend the money. But one scene in that movie changed my life.  (And it was not the lesbian scene).  Natalie Portman, in the movie, was a perfectionist in an extreme sense of the word.  Her character was announced as the lead ballerina at a formal ball held in her honor.  She noticed her cuticle was bleeding during her introduction.  Worried the blood would stain her white gown, she excused herself to the restroom and in her minds eye imagined pulling the skin and cuticle finger completely back.  It was gross, it was disgusting and it spoke volumes to me about myself.
Those close to me know I have picked at my cuticles all my adult life.  My fingers have been bloody, embarrassing messes and are permanently scarred from the abuse.  That scene and her character gave me an "aha" moment.  I am a perfectionist.  My husband says I am the messiest perfectionist he has ever known but that does not make it any less true.  I like things perfect- maybe not my house but my life, my kids, my marriage; I want to live my ideal image not my reality.  After the realization that I am not perfect set in (gasp!) I took action.

I have read nearly Brene Brown has written and many on her book list.  I am aware of my mindset and now I am living again.  My hands look a lot better too.  I found a very nice woman who gives amazing care to your fingers and does not judge, Lydian Flash.  She also speaks English which was a requirement for me so I could continually apologize for the look of my hands and have her say, "its okay" instead of her talking to her friends about me in a language I do not understand.
I receive a daily affirmation that I write down and refer to when I need a little help- read that to mean hourly.  Centering is an important part of this new journey I am on in life.  And as I tell my husband, happiness is a choice as is love,  marriage, kids, work, etc.  I am making my choices more wisely these days and today I chose to write!