Mini Mac

My sister is petite and nice and genuine everyday not just when its convenient.  In summary, she is my opposite in many ways.  My parents and our extended family raised us right but Shelley came out nice too.  I envy that in her.

As children she was always "on".  She loved Center Stage and everyone loved her being on it.  I stayed in the background and jumped rope or something else where I would not have to make eye contact.  Somewhere, at some point, that changed.  I think it may have been when I out grew my older "little" sister.  I assumed the role of being the protector because I was expected to be.  Even though I was as thin as a rail I was taller and therefore I stepped up and became "Big Mc".

Shelley always feels things to the core of her being.  Injustice is not accepted or tolerable and will bring on tears.  While I am plotting how to respond or react Shelley clinches her fist, grits her teeth and says, "That is not right!"  The she goes to a sleepless night asking herself why/how some people can be so mean.  I love her for the realness that she possesses.

I have always said that together Shelley and I combined would really make the perfect person but separate we lack a little bit.  I truly believe that.  If I gave her a little of my backbone and she gave me a little more of her sensitivity we could rule the world.  Please do not misunderstand: I feel and am very sensitive but I tend to deal with the situation at hand and feel the emotion later.  It is not at all healthy but that is my way.

Shelley feels, Shelley loves and she never gives up on things.  We have gone through ups and downs in our paths.  There are times we did not connect and other times when we got real with each other.  She has always wanted more from our relationship and I continue to try and let down that protective guard but she is my sister and I am still her protector in many ways.  At least, I think so even when it is plainly obvious that I am not.

One day I hope to be the sister she wants and deserves.  I hope to be more like her.  I do not give her enough credit; of course, neither does she.  Tonight she is on my mind.  Tonight I am reminded that she and I share the same blood and our heart can beat as one.  I love her and hope she knows just how much.

GONE

E spent all last week with my parents.  The time away provided a small amount of time for us to connect with Boone a little deeper than usual and for E to make fabulous memories with my parents.  During the week I found myself really missing E.  The mornings were a bit more smooth but a piece of my heart was not here.  I now understand the saying that your kids are like a piece of your heart that walk around outside of your body.

I found myself thinking about how it would be like when she got home.  Boone was missing his sister so much last week I just knew we would see hugs and kisses when she returned.  And we did see all of that adoration for the first 10 minutes of the reunion.  Now it is all GONE.

I am able to type this tonight because I put the kids to bed early....B without dinner.  It was that bad.  He bite her, she hit him.  He flipped his plate of food over (hence the no dinner part), spilt his milk and had a mouth so smart it deserved a degree.  I was neither amused or impressed.  Ella did her part to egg it on but mostly she tried to stay out the way.

Gone are the thoughts of my children loving on each other on this the first night of their reunion after a week apart.  Gone is my patience after dealing with their constant bickering.  Gone is my week and now we will begin another.  My heart is whole again but now where did my sanity go?

Where's My Safety Net?

Boone looked thoroughly confused as I sat him on the little potty seat that sits atop the regular toilet seat.  He looked from side to side and then asked, "Where's the seat belt?".  My husband and I laughed and tried to explain one was not needed but B was not so sure.

To his credit, the little seat was fairly new to him.  Most of the time we use the little potty to try and get him to go but still him wanting some security on a new venture is a familiar feeling for us all.

I could go farther with this lesson but think the story is cute enough to just end it here.

Hug your babies

I am thankful it is not my place in this world to judge and punish those that do wrong against their fellow man.  I am so thankful (and they are lucky) that Jerry Sandusky, the Colorado shooter, and any other man, woman or child that is causing harm against children, our fellow man or any innocent soul does not have to answer to me.  My first thoughts are:  Shame on you, shame of all of you for stealing an innocent’s childhood, exploiting vulnerability and just mean a plain ol’ meanie.

I am not strong enough to shoulder their burdens or live with knowing the depths of their guilt and sicknesses.  Each time a crime like theirs is exposed our collective humanity is weakened somewhat.  Slowly, demented souls expose the depths of depravity that humans can dwell in and that weakens us as a whole.  For every level of sin one may reach, someone else will go one deeper.   

It is our responsibility to rise up against this evil and protect our families while we gain strength through each other’s generosities.  Trust should be earned before given freely and that is a lesson we must teach our kids. 

I have faith that this latest scandal shall pass, we will begin to heal but we will never forget.  I truly hope my little corner of this great, big world remains untouched for a bit longer.  I want my babies raised worrying about skinned knees, bad hair days and the occasional pimple on picture day.  I pray they do not have to deal with the massacre of classmates or try and understand the bad choices of adults they know and trust.   

Faith, hope, love is all that remains and above all these is love.

Summertime Blues

I remember endless Summer days as a child.  My sister and I would spend all afternoon nearly every afternoon playing in the neighborhood with the neighborhood kids.  We even called ourselves the 5th Street gang and we known to put on a show or two.  There were kickball games in the street.  We would all yell "CAR!" as a warning to get out of the road when a car turned our direction.  We collected the ball when we heard the warning, stepped to the curve and as the car passed we would wave to the driver and he/she would drive back.  How rare is this today?  It would not happen in my neighborhood.

Other days found us rollerskating in driveways, the Marinkovichs had the steepest drive and most fun to maneuver in skates.  Endless loops were made around that driveway to Olivia Newton John's, "Lets Get Physical".  Some days found us at my grandparents or on the farm with dad or at the swimming pool.  I do not remember being bored even though my mom may have different memories.

Today's world is one where the kids are not safe to play unattended even in my "good" neighborhood.  And even if it was "safe" it is just too damn hot to go outside most afternoons.  My poor fair skinned babies can't take direct sunlight for long.  I joke (kinda) that we could have been cast in the Twilight series movies.  We are a white family and its not just our ethnicity.  

I do not miss just the Summers of my youth, I miss Summer in general.  Americans work hard, I get that but in my perfect world we would get a "Holiday" like in Europe.  A time to enjoy our families and the world around us without the stress of work, endless email and the guilt associated with being a working parent.  I have my kids in camps or with sitters from 745AM til 5 PM everyday.  I tell myself they are having fun and/or don't know any better but I know what they are missing and my heart breaks for what they are missing which is one of life's simple pleasures: Summer.

"It no working"

E is lucky enough to get to spend this week all by herself with my parents.  I have to admit I am a little jealous.  She is having a great time and making precious memories.  We are trying to do the same with Boone here in Clarksville.

So much appears to go unnoticed when we are juggling two kids in everyday life.  As we drifted off the sleep last night with B in between us I whispered to H, "you know, he really is a cute kid." And I mean it.  His little personality is really cute and now that he is winking my heart has found yet another reason to melt.  (For the record: Normally we have a childless bed but B could not sleep without Ella and I did not put up much of a fight when he asked to sleep with us.  I am not sure he even had to ask.)

Tonight's dinner included B's favorite, rice.  He wanted a "big fork" so I handed him a kid's spork.  You know, half spoon and half fork.  Anyway, after a couple of attempts he handed it back to me in his almost crying voice with a sense of urgency and the volume rising, "It no working, mommy.  It no working."  I handed him a spoon and all was right again, "I do it, mommy", but it got me thinking....

B's couple of minutes trying to unsuccessfully get an eating utensil to work was similar to few of my days recently.  I pray for strength because sometimes it feels like things aren't working for me.  Very much like B's example I am using the wrong tools to do the job or am just too anxious to get the tools I am using to work properly.  I can just hear my angels laughing because I probably sound like my two year old, "its no working!"

So cheers to the wisdom of two year olds.  I learned something about myself to night.  Slow down and do it right or change what you are doing.  It really is not hard to be happy.  May all your, "is no working"s" turn into "I do its" as soon as possible.

Is There Life Out There?

Often when I get to the end of my rope: hard work week, busy weekend with active kids, groceries to be bought, bills to be paid, laundry to do and put away, etc.... I start to hum Reba McEntyre's song from so long ago, "Is there life out there".

"Is there life out there, so much she hasn't done.  Is there life beyond her family and her home.  She's done what she should should she do what she dares?  She doesn't want to leave she just wonders is there life out there"


Those may not be the exact lyrics but they are what I sing in my head.  I love my family, my kids, my little life in this little corner of this small world.  I love it yet sometimes I just want to scream!!!!!!!

Today I ran to the store for some last minute, unneeded, dinner ingredients.  At the time, we had neighborhood girls over to play with E who were shrieking as 6 years olds do, Boone was whining about being left out, the pile of laundry to put away was giving me an evil eye and I honestly just needed an out.  I got to the store, bought the stuff I told myself I had to have along with a bottle of wine for later and a 12oz. Coke.

Three weeks ago I gave up Coca Cola.  I took up tea and and have been fine but today I just needed a coke.  I told myself 12oz. does not hurt anyone and bought it without a stitch of guilt.  I started home which is about three blocks away but instead of making the turn to my house I kept going.  I found a shaded spot a couple of blocks up, rolled down my windows, opened up the local magazine I picked up, popped the top on that coke can and simply took time to enjoy being me.  Was this selfish?  Absolutely.  Do I care?  Absolutely not.  The whole episode took no more than 20 minutes but I was a changed person (although the song is still in my head).

Most of society has adopted time outs as a way to discipline your children.  When needed, the child is seated in an out of the way place and told to breathe, calm down and take a time out.  The child sees this as punishment.  It is ironic.  The same timeout a child fears is the one thing a mother craves.  So today I took mine.

The babies are now in bed, dinner is cleaned up and my wine glass is filled.  AHHHHHH!  I am breathing, I am collecting myself after dropping pieces of sanity across my home all day and although the song is still playing in my head I can now just enjoy the tune.  Cheers!